The not-so-merry go round continues..

Emotional moments tend to spur me to write. So, here we go with this one.

Almost 3 years ago, I left my old church, because some people I counted as my closest friends, decided that hurting me profitted them. So I had to move on. That was rough, the hardest thing being that I loved and trusted the people that hurt me.

Moving forward I found new friends to love and share life with. My best friend ended up abandoning everyone that cared about her, including her family, to follow her now husbands foolish desires. I was hurt and lost during that time too.

Moving on again, I found 2 great friends that I shared my life with, I actually got them together and they will be getting married in June. However, one day, out of the blue, one of them turned on me, slowly turning the other, and I lost them as well.

This brings me to recent months, where I have been careful to not allow myself to get too close to any one person, as a pattern of betrayal seems to be unstoppable.

Unfortunately, I trust easily, and I care deeply about people.

I let someone in again. 

I’m writing, because yet again, I have been hurt.

 

Honesty time:

I’m tired of it.

I don’t often complain on my own behalf, I’m more prone to fight for others.. but today.. I’m mad for myself for once.

I don’t have a lot to say about it really. Normally I follow these things up with some deep life lesson. I don’t have one yet.

I find it somewhat ironic that about 2 weeks ago I finally forgave my former friends (the ones getting married soon) for betraying me, and was able to tell them that. Big moment for me considering what went down. And now as soon as I let that go I have something else to be upset about.

Life.. it’s a circle of failing relationships it seems.

Ok, let’s end on a positive note..

In times like this we realize who our true friends are. For me, it’s the people that have always been there for me, for years, and the few people that know exactly what I’m talking about right now, and we’re genuinely supportive about it. All in all, that’s 6 people.

6 pretty amazingly awesome people. That I love, and will fight for, the same way I would have loved and fought for all the people that decided to walk away from me over the years.

Their loss, I’m freaking great. haha, humor helps with hurt right? 😉

 

**on a side note, this is precisely the kind of thing my tattoo is in reference to.. for those of you that always ask what the heck it means 😉

Friendships

I left work early today not feeling well and slept until about 9pm, so now I’m alert and awake and felt the urge to finally blog again.

I had a stunningly simple realization recently. Friends are supposed to make you better, be support systems when you need them, and be a source of fun and freedom in life.

If your friends aren’t this, why are they your friends?

Lately I’ve just been enjoying the new people I’m meeting and allowing myself to just be social and let new people into my life. It’s freaking fantastic.

Because they are fun, and when I am with them, I am happy.

I have friends I have known for years, and to this day they make me laugh, and smile and just forget my cares. These are the people I turn to when my cares aren’t so easy to let go of, and they are there to be that support.

Then theres these new people, there’s not a ton of depth there right now but I don’t even care. I just like having people I know I can go up to, give a high five and have a chat. It’s nice.

This is probably the first time in my life ever I have 0 drama producing friends. I have no time for that added stress anymore. I walked away from a really dramatic, draining friendship last week, and though it looked cold from the outside that I left this girl, it was necessary. Now, I have felt seriously relieved and free and I finally see friendships are not supposed to be about that mess.

There is an awesome girl I have known for a while but have just recently been spending more time with, we have both gone through some dramatic people. We talked recently about how having a ‘best friend’ seems incredibly unecessary past high school. Just enjoy the people you are surrounded by. Your personality is going to work with some people, and not so much with others. Don’t waste your life trying to please people that you just don’t mesh with.

I’m not saying that friendships will never cause fights or issues, we’re all human and stuff happens, but it shouldn’t dominate the relationships. By the way, the never having a single issue thing is possible, I’ve been friends with one girl since we worked together back in 08, we have never had a single argument, she has literally always supported me in everything, and I just stood by her as she was married. So, yea it’s possible and it’s wonderful when you find people like that.

Here’s the point.

Don’t get stuck in your bubble, go meet new people. You never know what great people are out there until you go meet them.

and

Don’t stick with people that drag you down. If you are constantly frustrated with a friend, just walk away, don’t sweat it. It’s not as big of a deal as we make it sometimes.

I spent the past few years trying to make a very selfish person happy. News flash: that’s not going to happen unless your world revolves around them, and that’s not cool.

Friendships are give and take. So be the kind of friend you’d want to have, and if someone you hang around isn’t treating you right, you can leave.

What’s desperate about knowing what you want?

A week from right now, I will be at the wedding reception for one of, no, THE, greatest friend I’ve ever had. My dear friend will be married in a week to a very good man. It’s pretty awesome and all these weddings happening has got me thinking about romance and such gooey things. It has me thinking of how people percieve all of it, and what God says. Lots to take in with this.

I love God. That’s the simplest, truest thing in the world.

God has amazing plans for all of us, and if we allow Him to guide us, we will receive His blessings. I remember growing up, even before I got saved, always wishing I could have a boyfriend. Which was always looked at as pathetic. So you hide that ya know? It’s only okay to like romance if you’re in a relationship according to society.  If you admit to wanting it without having it, your ‘sad’.

I accepted this as truth growing up, and I felt like such a loser for being single. Well, not for being single, but for being single and wishing I wasn’t.

Thank God, I have grown up.. and high school cliques don’t really sway my thinking.

Okay, bear with me a minute as I use a TV show to illustrate a point.

I love the show ‘How I Met Your Mother’, it’s legen… wait for it.. DARY. In all seriousness, the best sitcom on TV, if you disagree you obviously havn’t seen it.

So there is an episode where a character, Barney is referring to Febuary 13th as Desperation Day because of all the girls trying to get dates for Valentines. He meets a woman who refuses to act like the other women who are pretending to be independent and not care, she admits she does want it. I really liked this line “What’s desperate about knowing what you want? Look, life is really short, Barney. Who wants to spend Valentine’s Day alone, distracting yourself from the fact that nobody loves you with some sad little activity?”.

Why is this condsidered desperate? I think knowing what you want is a good thing.

The first thing that God said was NOT good? Anyone.. anyone… Bueller…?

That Adam was alone, he needed a suitable helper, so God created Eve to be a helpmate. The first woman in the story of the world was created for the purpose of being a helpmate. I think it’s embedded in all women to want that, because it’s why we we’re created in the first place.

I think men fall in love with women because as God saw, it is not good for them to be alone.

It’s inescapable, it’s in who we are. Do all people have some driving force to get married? No. Some are more driven for other things. I for one, have always known I want to be a wife someday. That’s my ‘dream job’. Why should I hide that? Am I desperate because I acknowledge the heart God gave me? The desires He put there. I pray about who I may one day marry. I may or may not get that wish fufilled in my life. But, I won’t tiptoe around acting like I don’t want it.

Let’s get real people.

What is the driving force behind any TV shows success…. waiting for the guy and the girl to FINALLY get together.

Why do we have so many love songs?? (I just put together the playlist for this wedding, there are so freaking many!)

Why?

Because everyone loves love.

Why is it people only admit it once they are IN a relationship.. I just don’t get it anymore. Looking at it objectivly it is just silly. Most people want it, a small few are truly happy on their own. I know a few who really have no desire to get married. They are the minority. So why do we all pretend we don’t care? I say stop pretending.

Be romantic. Take risks. Wear your heart on your sleeve. So many of my friends are falling in love and getting married. Happiness and love looks so good on them 🙂

I think our society has made love less important and put casual hook ups in the spotlight. It isn’t how it should be.

So here’s my advice to guys:

Pursue. It isn’t our job to do that. I have been the one to move a relationship along and trust me, it does not work. I had a talk with a few ladies one night and we talked about how guys now are so lazy and scared about it, that no one ever gets anywhere. We are not going to wear a sign that says we want you to ask us out, you just have to try. Put yourself out there, the right girl will be worth the risk.

And for ladies:

Respect yourself. A guy worth your time is going to treat you like a lady, not a prostitute. I have seen far too many girls settle for dirtbags because they got tired of waiting for Mr. Right. trust me, I have met a lot of really sweet guys worth a good girls time. They are a bit rare nowadays but I promise, they exist. I got to date one for a while.

And for both guys and gals:

Be future minded. If you don’t think the person you are with will be your husband/wife, then get out. What’s the point? You are wasting precious time you could be spending with the right person. I’d rather be single and waiting than with the wrong person.

Be prayerful. I will never forget a bible study I had in high school, telling us to pray for our future husbands. Pray for them to be spiritual leaders, for God to be working in their lives, etc. Pray for them even if you have never met them. Prayer is powerful and I think it’s a pretty cool thing to do. Love them before you meet them. Your spouse is supposed to be your one and only forever, and that should mean even now. Woah, Mind bender. :-b

Don’t settle. I have seen true love in action, if you don’t have it, don’t get married. It’s a shame how high the divorce rate is. Breaks my heart, it shouldn’t be taken lightly. Know what you want and find the person that makes your heart all fuzzy. I know I want someone fun, and spirited. Someone that can actually make me laugh and not just the other way around. Someone passionate and sweet and a GENTLEMAN. I want a guy that I know will be a good father and a good husband. Mostly, I want a man who puts Jesus first, and lets Him shape him into the man he was meant to be, the rest should all fall into place nicely. 🙂 I don’t have to settle for less, because hopefully, some guy out there would list all my weird traits as what he wants. Won’t that be a fun day. 😉 Until then, I’m good chillin out maxin relaxin all cool… wait. 🙂

I teach young kids now, and as they grow up in to teens I find myself dealing with more of this kind of advice. I find it funny that most adults need the same lessons I am teaching to middle schoolers.

I think true love is worth doing right, and celebrating.

I can’t wait to celebrate with these two in a week, this is what it looks like when you get it right.

Funny thought, this girl knew she wanted this guy, even when they had a break up. So tell me, what is so desperate about knowing what you want?.. 🙂

Jesus took the wheel..

I was in a bad car accident Sunday night. I always say I want to take my life experiences and use them to glorify God no matter what. So here is what happened to me, and the lessons learned about my Savior and King.

I left Epcot around 7:30 on Sunday night in rainy weather. The roads were wet and it was just typical Florida gross. I’ve been driving on these roads since I was 16, so I don’t think twice about it.

As I approached Winter Park on I4, my car took off on its own path. I was hydroplaning. I did what I knew to do in this situation but it didn’t make any difference. My car veered left, towards the interior barrier wall. I had both feet off the petals, and my hands on the wheel but not steering in any direction. It was going to wreck and I didn’t want to make it worse by over correcting. I spun around facing the wrong way, I saw the wall coming and thought “this is happening”.

I slammed into the wall and at this point my car was spinning back toward the wall. I wasn’t very aware of my situation at this point. I know I smelled something burning. Wasn’t sure what it was. I heard the bangs, and I felt it stop. I realized it was over and hit my hazards. I wanted my phone to call for help and struggled to figure out where it was. I managed to grab the aux cable and find it. A man was running toward my car and he stopped at my window asking if I was okay. I said ‘yes’ and he told me to get out. I was trying. My door was pryed shut. He told me his wife had called 911 and help was on the way. I was in shock. I was incredibly disoriented. I called my mom. Told her “I was in a bad accident on I4, I totaled my car, my airbag deployed.” At that point I noticed the deflated bag in front of me and said my thought outloud. It occured to me this must have been where the burning smell was coming from. I was still trying to figure out how to get out of the car. The man suggested my window. But my car was off and I couldn’t roll it down. I managed to find my key again and tried to star the car, the engine made an ugly noise but the electric came on. I rolled it down and turned the car back off. Half way through trying to climb out the window I finally realized I could unlock my doors and climb through the back. Brilliant (shock is hilarious in retrospect). I got out and told my mom where I was.

The man that stopped to help and I realized standing in the middle of I4 in the rain was incredibly dangerous. We ran to his car. Oh by the way, I’m barefoot. I was at Disney and got soaked so I had taken my shoes off to drive home. He had me sit in his car while he talked to the dispatcher. I met his wife and 3 daughters. They were all wearing Christmas sweaters. It was like a scene out of a movie. His wife talked to me for a minute and all of a sudden I felt this stingy burn on my left chest. I stopped midsentence to give out a yelp of pain. Looked down and saw my bright red skin. The airbag had burned my chest. The shock was wearing off and I was feeling the pain now.

An OPD officer arrived and took a statement from the gentleman that stopped, and allowed him to leave. Then he looked at my car, and let me sit in his patrol car with his jacket while we waited for a wrecker. I was in a complete panic in his car. I just kept seeing cars flying past and thinking ‘someone else is going to lose control and hit us..’. I was not happy on that road. I felt like I was sitting in a death trap. Finally the tow came and we got out of there. He drove me to a gas station where we met up with my parents. We took my things out of my car, and dealt with the insurance company. The officer told me he wouldnt be giving me a ticket. Thank God. What a blessing. I was probably about 10mph over the speed limit when I spun.

I was able to go home and take pain meds and get some rest.

The fact that I walked away from my car is a miracle in itself. The way the wreck happened was so crazy that I know God was in complete control. It felt out of control but it wasn’t. The funny thing is I wasn’t scared when it happened. I was totally calm. It was out of my hands and I just let it be. I obviously didn’t want to hit that wall but when I saw it happening I just went with it. I didn’t scream or freak out. I don’t think I even tensed up much. Thankfully because I would be in much worse pain if I had.

My faith took over in a way I’d never experienced. And God proved his faithfulness in that moment.

I could have spun to the right, and gone to the grass, this would have flipped my car, resulting in worse injuries.

I could have hit another vehicle.

If you live in central Florida you understand that I4 is never empty. It’s usually crowded. Sunday night was no exception. It was crowded. Except for right around me when this happened. No one was in the left lane to hit. No one was right behind me. When I bounced back in to traffic no one was there. The road cleared while I spun. That is a miracle. The odds of spinning across I4 and hitting NO ONE are ridiculously low. But that’s what happened. If I had left Disney a minute earlier or a minute later, I could be dead.

I could have spun in front of a semi, or in front of a sports car going 90+, things common on this road. But I spun in front of nothing. I only hit a wall.

I could have spun futher up the road or further back, where the wall is different, or in an area where there is no wall, only grass, meaning I roll into oncoming lanes.

But I didn’t.

I spun into a wall.

Nothing else.

Then theres the man who stopped.

I was very disoriented from the impact and airbag, so when my car came to a stop, calling 911 wasn’t actually on my mind. I wanted to tell my mom where I was. But this man saw me spin, and immediately stopped and ran to me. His wife dialed emergency workers and he helped keep me focused on getting out and to a safer area. If he hadn’t stopped I would have been in a much worse situation. It would’ve taken me longer to call for help, and I wouldn’t have been able to get out of my car.

I also find it amazing my feet aren’t cut up. I4 is dirty, and I was barefoot running through the inside shoulder in ankle deep water. I couldn’t see a broken bottle if I was looking for it. And of course I wasn’t, I was running to the SUV ahead of me for cover. Looking back I’m amazed my barefeet hit nothing sharp on that ground to make matters worse.

God protected me, in a way only He could. I know that with all my heat. I am so blessed to be sitting here writing this. I have been so put together and okay through this because I have my trust in Him. I broke down tonight in choir. I hadn’t really let the reality of what happened to me sink in. How close I came to dying. If one variable had changed, I could be in the hospital, or worse. I started crying when I really remembered this accident. It really happened to me. It feels surreal thinking about it, but I really wrecked, and I really survived.

Here are my life lessons, there’s a few:

Trust God to get you through it. I had no control over my car. None. There was nothing I could do to save my car from hitting the wall. I didn’t try to take control of the situation because I saw it was useless. God got me through. He took over and though I am sore, and cut and not feeling great, I am alive. So you can trust him with your life, if it feels out of control it really isn’t. God knows what is going on and He knows what you are going through. Let go and trust Him to lead you.

Wear a seat belt! I would not be here today if I wasn’t wearing my seatbelt. It cut my neck yes, but it saved my life, as did the airbag. The mark on my neck and the bruise and burn on my chest from the bag are my wounds of protection. Without those marks I would be a goner. So wear a seatbelt. There’s never a  good reason not to.

Be a hero. A lot of people saw me wreck. One stopped. He was an angel for me. His beautiful family stopped their evening to make sure I was okay. Step up when you are called upon. Not just if you see a car accident. If a friend or stranger has a need that you can fufill, do it! God gives us gifts and abilites and you have to use them. Don’t waste your life. This man just pulled over, made a phone call and stood with me in the rain. But he is a hero.

Value your loved ones. I could have just as easily died last night as walked away. The only reason I’m here is because God isn’t finished with me. I started crying today thinking about all the people in my life I would have never seen again if I was gone. I want to hug every one of these people and just cherish them because I see how fragile our lives are. You never know what’s going to happen to you. Don’t take moments for granted. Don’t think “I’ll do it tomorrow.” because you may not get it. It’s cliche, but guys,  it’s true. In a split second, your world can be flipped upside down. So live like every moment could be your last, or the last of anyone you meet.

Praise God. He alone is responsible for my life being spared. He alone kept me calm and safe. He deserves my praise for this. He deserves our praise every minute of everyday for letting you take that breath you just took. For giving us salvtion through Jesus. God is good, all the time, even when typing a blog is causing physical pain. God is good. He has a plan for this. I have NO clue what good God is going to bring out of this accident. BUT I do know that something good will be the fruit of this accident, God makes no mistakes.

Matthew 6:4

Romans 8:28

Jeremiah 29:11

Before she knew it she was spinning on a thin black sheet of glass… Jesus take the wheel, take it from my hands, cause I can’t do this on my own. I’m letting go, so give me one more chance to save me from this road I’m on. Jesus take the wheel.

The beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.

Wrote this on my lunch break today. So forgive if it’s a bit all over the place. I felt I needed to air all this out once and for all

The beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair..

I am at a point in my life where I have no control over what certain people are doing to hurt myself and others, without cause. It’s unfair. As humans we want everything to be fair and just. People that are bad to get punished and people that are good to receive blessings. This just isn’t how it works. The beauty of grace, is that it makes life not fair. This is a line from a Relient K song. I’ve always loved it. It’s a reminder that we all deserve God’s wrath. We all deserve hell. BUT. Grace, the love of the Father, through Jesus, I am saved from that wrath. It’s not fair, but this unfair situation benefits me.

I keep trying to remind myself that I am a sinner and the things I do are grievous to Gods heart, but he still loves me and he still forgives me. Trying to apply this principle towards others is incredibly difficult. It reminds me just how much God loves me, to forgive me when I fail time and time again. I’m trying to learn to forgive, but can I be honest.. right now, I am not there with a few people. There are a lot that I have forgiven that hurt me deeply. However, 4 people in particular right now are not at a place with me where I have the ability to truly forgive them. It just isn’t happening. It’s all too fresh, if I ‘forgave’ them now, it would be a lie, the feelings would still be there.

“When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win we know that pain reminds this heart that this is not our home.”

Thats from a song that I’ve heard on the radio many times and never really paid attention too, but recently that line caught my attention. The song is called ‘Blessings’, about how sometimes the things that hurt us turn out to be blessings. I have lived that truth and I know I’m in the middle of that now.

Let me tell you my story..

I had these 2 friends, one a guy, one a girl. The girl was my best friend, we did everything together. The guy, was very close to me, I called him my little brother. He fell for my other friend. She was not interested at all, she liked someone else. Over time, and with a lot of my convincing her, she finally, after months, broke down and went on a date with him. They have been together ever since. Anyone familiar with the situation knows that this guy came with baggage, but I believe in forgiveness and redemption and I refused to hold any of this against him. I stood up for him countless times against people telling my other friend, he was not good enough for her.

Some time passes, the girl calls me freaking out, thinking he is upset but she has no idea why, as 2 days earlier he was saying he loved her more than anything. I was confused as well, so I sent him text messages. He responded letting me know he was done with her. He had some nasty, untrue things to say, and I was dumbfounded. I told him it wasn’t fair to her since he gave no warning of being upset, and that by doing this he was proving everyone I fought against to be right. I also told him I would still love him and he would still be my ‘little brother’ no matter what happened.

They did not break up.

He now hates my guts.

This makes no sense. And this is unfair.

Because he hates me now (for the text message I sent, telling him I love him but this is going to hurt her and that’s not okay) I knew my friendship with the girl would also be messed up. It’s just how things work, she wouldn’t choose me over him, and eventually the choice would be forced upon her. I talked to her one day, told her I was worried about that happening. She assured me I was being ridiculous, he needed time to cool down, and she would never abandon me. I told her I’d love to believe it but I’ve lived it enough times to know she was probably wrong. I agreed we would still try to keep things as they were though. I gave her a hug, tears in my eyes and left. (On a side note I had written the guy a letter, gave to her to give to him, letting him know how much I cared about him and how hurt I was by his decision to abandon me without cause.)

As some more time passes, I don’t see her much anymore, so I try to text a bit to stay in touch. There were more times than I care to count where she blew me off. Making 10 minutes to talk to me and catch up was a major inconvenience for her. After weeks of this I was pretty tired of it. I let a little frustration show in a text that said “do you have amnesia because we kinda used to be close friends..?”

This apparently warranted her boyfriend sending me a very long text message cursing me out telling me how horrible a person I am. Trust me, I am not leaving out any outrageous horrible things that I did. This is truly all that happened. That text message was the most awful thing anyone had ever said to me.

I tried calling the girl, no answer, left voicemails, no answer. I wrote her a note letting her know this behavior was insane and uncalled for, I recounted every detail of what happened and showed that this reaction from them both was so hurtful, mean and undeserved. She never once had the nerve to answer me. Finally after a few weeks of letting myself cool down and regain control of how I felt, I waited for her by her car to talk and ask why. All I really wanted was to know why. There was no rational reason for any of this, so I had to ask.

She avoided me for about 45 minutes while I stood there, and then she came and just said she had to go. Really? Still can’t spare 5 minutes to grow a spine and face the horrible actions you and your boyfriend commited towards me? That was the final straw for me, I lost control of the emotions and I yelled at her. First time in my life I had ever done something like that. I pray it’s the last.

I don’t think I ever need to see either of them again. I saw the true character of them and I don’t associate with people like that.

What continues to astonish me is that God loves them anyway. We commit worse betrayal against God and yet he still loves us. That’s just crazy. It’s a strange way to look back at it, but I can’t look at it and think “wow how unfair for me”. It isn’t fair, but nothing about life is fair, and in the case of how God loves, I am so glad it isn’t!

The last 2 people, here’s their story:

Another couple, this one recently married. I’ve known them before they we’re even dating. The girl was my best friend a few years ago. One of the greatest friendships I’ve ever had. She is naïve though, and has no strength of her own. So when her then boyfriend left our church to join a cult, she followed even though she didn’t agree with it. Now they are married and so deep in this cult ‘church’ that it’s just depressing to watch. So many people pray for them and reason with them about leaving but they are so stubborn. Her husband attacks my faith and my church constantly. He argues with me, unprovoked for hours on end condemning me. She recently posted something slanderous about my church and others on her facebook, I answered this with rational reasoning, and asked questions to try to provoke some actual thinking. The reaction I got was “get out of our lives” and being blocked on facebook like a 13 year old. Cool.

She unblocked me recently to write me a message sharing her heart about the situation.

I answered from my heart, out of love, nothing condemning or mean. Answered every point and question she had. And I ended by letting her know that her actions of late have hurt a mutual friend of ours who did absolutely nothing to deserve it. (Who by the way is the most genuine, Christ-like person I know) She never even spoke out against the cult. I get mad when people attack me, but if you hurt my friends, there’s a line you should never cross because that’s when I get the most protective and upset.

I told her that abandoning our friend when her grandfather died, to instead dye her hair was not a Christ like decision. (her cult-church believes they are far more holy than anyone else). I told her that acting like our friends wedding doesn’t matter to her, after our friend bent over backwards for her wedding was just rude. I pointed out countless hurtful, selfish, mean things she had done since joining the ‘church’. I told her to consider how this ‘church’ is making her behave and to think if it’s truly making her a ‘better Christian’.

I’ve received no answer. That’s ok.

What is not okay, is how she has continued to attack my other friend who has done absolutely nothing but show love towards her. So I’m kind of at a point of realizing, people can claim to be Christians and still be hurtful, mean,  judgmental, selfish, and just plain dumb. (Ironic her church teaches if you have a pattern of these things in your life you must be unsaved.. and they only exhibit these qualities).

Again, I look at this situation and think “wow God, how do you love them through this hateful behavior?? How do you love me when I do dumb things?? You amaze me.”

Moral of the story, I am not God, so me forgiving these people who have hurt me, when all I’ve ever done for them is be a loyal loving friend, is not easy, and it will take time. The bible commands us to forgive, and so I will pray for God to grant that peace to my heart, but until it’s there.. I just remember that God can forgive far worse things in an instant.

Never forget that. God forgives. You don’t deserve it, but He will anyway.

To any of my friends that have read this: Know you have a loyal, loving friend here, and believe me when I say the only way to can lose my friendship is if you decide that’s what you want. I would never treat anyone else the way these people have treated me. It’s sad and pathetic that they did in the first place, and if I would brag about one quality I have it would be my loyalty. I love my friends. Thanks to the ones who have been loyal back over the years. You keep me going and keep me praising God for you.

Dance translates

I love dance. It’s a great example of how art translate through any language. It just was on my mind today, and I thought about those great moments, when you have the perfect blend of choreographer, dancers, story, music, and emotion to make a really great piece of work.

The great thing about television, is that seeing these performances is easy. Some amazing dance moments have happened on the show So You Think You Can Dance. Who would have thought a show that looked like American Idol for dancers would produce performances that I personally won’t ever forget. Some pieces were emotional, some were relevant to important issues like violence and abuse, some where romantic, and some were just down right FUN. But they all have one thing in common, and thats talent, and memorable performances. So I wanted to share my top 12 performances from SYTYCD. Enjoy.

#12 Cabaret Hoover
Wade Robson is just a cool choreographer.. case and point: this routine. Just a fun piece that has been etched in my brain for life.

#11 Tranji
Can you say “good fun”? This is it. Great moment where 2 great dancers got to do a hilarious hip hop piece together. Keep in mind, benji is a swing dancer and Travis is a contemporary GENIUS.

#10 Ramalama Bang Bang
Best group performance ever on the show (by popular opinion anyway). This video is from the 100th episode special, they brought back former dancers and the man himself, Wade Robson, danced with them. Zombies are always great dancers somehow..

#9 The Garden
Mark and Courtney just made this a cool piece. Mark is one of my favorite dancers on the planet (you may have seen him on Glee recently in the Brittany Britney episode) he is unique and quirky in his movements. Typically, I don’t like Sonya as a choreographer, but this suited him well, memorable piece.

#8 Fix You
Travis Wall has turned into a brilliant choreographer, this piece is one of his best. About trying to help his morhter through illness, very well danced by Allison and Robert (who dressed like Travis in the piece). My mom cannot watch this without crying.
Can’t embed this video, but you can watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xnguqsMQmg4&feature=related

#7 The Boardroom
Neil Haskell (my most favorite ever) and Sabra Johnson performed a Mandy Moore jazz routine that proved gymnasts can be great dancers.. and do some pretty spectacular things with a table. The sheer strength and control it takes to do some of those moves are just flat out impressive, add the clever choreography, and the great personalities dancing it, this is just an all around great dance.

#6 Time
The wonderful Neil Haskell, and the gorgeous Lacey Schwimmer dancing to a piece about finally seeing a loved one again after theyve passed on, emotinal story, well danced, beautiful moment.

#6 Collide
Lauren and Kent are two great dancers. If I could steal someones ability to dance (like in the Little Mermaid, ya know?) it would be Lauren Froderman. Or Lauren Gottlieb, but whatever. This piece is about young love, first love, love period. It’s really stunning if you open your heart to it. This is the kind of dance that can stir a memory, an emotion, a feeling out of you. I also included it because I realize, I have nothing of laurens on here, and she deserves to be on this because she is a stunning dancer. She just wasn’t given any really earth shattering pieces of work to perform. But if you appreciate dance, youtube her, watch some of her performances. Watch Collide here:

#5 If It Kills Me
Mix Jason Glover, my favorite Jason Mraz song, and Travis Wall choreography, what do you get? Perfection. Oh, jeanine is pretty stellar too, she won. Very cool piece, Travis has turned into a real artist and story teller with his dances. Great piece.

#4 Out of Your Mind
Alex Wong, who is an impecable ballet dancer, took on hip hop with All-Star Twitch, who is a great hip-hop dancer. This dance is one of the greatest things I have ever seen. It came out of no where. Alex is a technically trained ballet dancer, that is as far from hip hop as you can get. Everyone essentially expected a trainwreck out of this dance. What was produced was one of the best hip hop performances i have ever seen. With humor and really great movement. Exactly why Nappytabs are the best in the biz. I still flip out watching this. What makes it more interesting is, shortly after this performance, Alex had to have surgery and couldn’t compete. sad given his talent. Embedding is not allowed on this video, but click the link, you will not be sorry.

#3 Fallin’
Adechike danced this, choregraphed by Tabitha and Napoleon. I’ll never forget the commited performance he gave, theres a difference between acting a part, and immersing yourself in a story. Adechike did the latter, the tears at the end of this piece were real, and if you saw the episode, you know how long it took him to come down from that. Raw, powerful, awesome.

#2 Bleeding Love
Again, Mark. Chelsea Hightower, who some of you may know from DWTS did an emotional dance that got them nominated for an Emmy in 2009.

#1 Addiction
Kayla and Kupono danced to this, choreographed by Mia Michaels, simply put, it’s about struggling with an addiciton. But you really didn’t need someone to tell you that for it to resonate. This is my #1 because it is the PERFECT blend of emotion, strength, performance, technique, music, art, story, etc. It just is everything dance is supposed to be. If anyone ever tops this, I’ll be shocked, but a happy camper, because I’m always ready to be wowed.

I wish I could make this a longer list, but 12 seems to be a good cap, but I will mention the Two Princes dance, done by Neil and Danny on the last performance of season 3. Probably the coolest, fight to the death kind of dance I have ever seen. And can I just say Neil sold that piece? Watch the video, he was in character all the way down to his fingertips. I’ll also mention Lauren and Pashas argentine tango, that girl turned into a ballroom diva FAST. Billy and Ade had a great dance with Mad World as well. Also worth noting is Lacey and Kamerons very first dance together, aptly titled “Dancing”. That was a pretty great piece to start a season with. Jason and Caitlin had an incredible Baliwood dance. I was also a fan of Jason and Kaylas zombie hip hop. I could go on for days with this, point is, anyone that has ever graced that stage is a gifted dancer, and we are lucky we have been able to watch them all dance and grow in front of us.

[Note: I’m sure someone will ask about certain pieces that aren’t on my list. It’s my list, so my choices. Most noticably left out was the dance about cancer that Ade and Melissa performed. Honestly, it was a great topic, but for whatever reason that piece didn’t resonate with me. For anyone interested in a great dance showing the struggle of cancer, youtube Ade and Melissa. It will come up.]

Faith, trial, perseverance, and Brian Vickers.. in ink.

This tattoo on my foot sparks a lot of questions. Typically the answer I give is “It’s a really long story, you’ll just have to get to know me to find out.”. Well now you can skip the getting to know me part and just read the rest of this.

First of all, that angle, isn’t it’s intended view, I did it intentionally. Most people don’t see that it says “BV”, they see a heart and… something else. I get a lot of opinions on what that part could be. So let’s flip it.. here’s the right angle.

Why “BV”? Why is the V drawn like that? Why why why.. more questions (you see why I avoid trying to explain to people).

BV is short for Brian Vickers, why the V like that? It’s how Brian sloppily signs his name (no offense intended). His signature typically looks like half of a B and a hooky V. Like so…

So theres where the design came from. But the meaning behind it all? That’s deeper.

I’ll try to explain..

Middle school sucked. yes, this is relevant to my story. Middle school is a stinky time for most human beings, and I was no exception. But I found a drug of sorts to get me through the long weeks: NASCAR. Somehow, through a friend, I got addicted to this sport that I once found stupid. I lived and breathed it, it was what kept me going. looking forward to race weekends. Then a grew up (a little).  I got to high school, my favorite driver changed to this new guy, Brian Vickers. I liked his style, his attitude, and his driving. When Ricky Hendrick died, I saw something different in him. Strength through real adversity. He had lost a friend before in Adam Petty, and now again. Tragedy. Real tragedy. The sport became different.

Fast forward a bit.. now let’s look at his career. This guy kicks serious butt at a lot of tracks, he can run with the best of them and beat them. However, the dude’s luck sucks. I can’t count how many races in Charlotte he shoudl have won, get taken away by incredibly stupid things. Charlotte is the most annoying example, but it happens a lot at plenty of tracks.

How is this relevat to my life? In reality it really isn’t. But in the same way new orleans wanted a Super Bowl to recover from a hurricane, seeing Brian succeed was like hope that I can succeed.

You see.. I have terrible luck. I get incredibly close to good things happening to me, and ridiculous things happen to take them away quite suddenly. Examples? Sorry random blog readers, you don’t know me well enough quite yet to hear that fun stuff! But trust me, there’s lots. I still remember Brians first year with Red Bull… the Daytona 500 week. During the duels.. watching his tire burst and his Datona 500 hopes blow up with it.. dang. Felt like my hope had hit the wall too. And sure enough… yeaaah no good for me either.

It has become almost a joke for me.. when brian races well, things seem to go really well for me too. If he doesn’t, well it doesn’t for me.

Right now, some really stinky stuff going on in my life. Struggling through it, but it seems to be getting worse and worse.

If you want to look at the past few race results go ahead and look them up, but they parallel my life quite nicely so you should be able to guess 🙂

Anyway, here’s the ultimate point of all this.

Seeing Brian win races is always a good confidence booster for me, as strange as it sounds. My faith is compltely in Christ, and I know God is in control, but it’s just this funny thing. When Brian wins, it reminds me that I can ‘win’ in life too. Against all odds. watching brian come close and fail.. frustrating, because I feel that pain. So I got this tattoo after he won a race, as a celebration, and as a reminder. He won, I can too.

For clarification, I in no way believe his performance has anything to do with my life, it’s just an ironic coincidence that has become a running joke of sorts for me and my family.

Brian seems like a cool guy, it’s part of why I can call him my favorite driver. He handles tough times well, moves forward and improves himself. It’s something anyone can learn from watching. Sports stars in any arena can have an impact on people. Sports and life teach similar lessons in different ways. Thats what this is about, a metaphor for my own perseverance and faith in myself. I’ve always said God teaches me things in really strange ways, this is just one of those ways. I’m thankful for the sport in my life.

Am I that diehard fan i was in 7th grade? No. But I still love racing. This tattoo isn’t about Brian, or NASCAR, or any of that. It’s about going through tough times, and finding a way to keep moving.

But seriously, Brian, could you win again already?! 🙂

Let’s Be Honest..

I think it’s a simple concept, being single, for most people, is difficult. There is the struggle of feeling alone. Wondering if there is something about you that is unattractive. Wondering if there is anyone out there for you. Not knowing if marriage is part of Gods plan for your life. Feeling like you don’t fit in with your coupled up friends, especially if you are in that stage of life where your friends all seem to be getting married.
There are a ton of things that run through the mind of a single person. No, we don’t sit and think about it 24/7, but it’s definitely something we pay attention to. Maybe too much.
Lately I’ve had a few friends talking to me about it in different areas. In discernment, trying to find the right person. That’s tough, how do you know you’ve found the one? In lonliness, wishing they had companionship of any kind, whether it be forever or not. In lack of experience, waiting for that first kiss.
I’ve been pouring out bible verses, and sending out texts of encouragement to my friends.
I’m not breaking new ground here, Jer 29:11 Rom 8:28 Psalm 32:8 Psalm 27:14 all verses speaking on waiting on God, and knowing He has a perfect plan for you.
If you really trust God, you have to stop fretting over this. He flat out says that everything that is happening, where you are in life now, your circumstances, and that includes your lack of a relationship, are for a reason. If Gods best for you was to be with someone now, then you would be with them now. If you aren’t, then know it is not what is best for you, or for the kingdom.
Personally, I want the relationship I end up in, to glorify God. Now, I don’t have a clue how to do that other than to keep his commandments within that relationship. However, God knows exactly what he wants to do with me, and my (possible) future husband. So I won’t worry about being alone now. That’s how God wants it, so it must be right.

Now here is the let’s be honest part.

Sometimes, no matter how many times we hear those verses, and even knowing they are true.. it is just HARD to listen to it. Sometimes we just hurt, we get lonely, we long for companionship. It’s natural. All I really want to get across with this is that, we are all human, and we are going to falter. We won’t always be strong in this area. Currently, I feel fine, I feel like I am right where God wants me and I feel so blessed by the friendships I have, and the hope of a future with a great man someday. But that isn’t always the case.
Sometimes I want to complain, sometimes I want to cry, sometimes I want to be bitter. I’m a fallen human being.

If you are single. Find a single friend, that is strong in thier walk, and know that you can turn to them when you feel this way. I love being there for my friends, and I love having people that are there for me.

Sometimes, praying, and talking with others in your situation is all you can do until the hurt passes.

The Lord will take care of you, He has not forgotten about you. Just wait.
——————————————-

You say love is just a word, just four letters in a row.
Just a thing that people say, or they never tell you so.
And you use every excuse, to let nobody in.
Now this cloud you bring around, has become your only friend.

And everybody saying that it’s going to go away, but it don’t go.
And everybody’s telling you one day it’s going to change,
but you don’t know, if it’s really going to end.
But there is a way, there is a spark,
there is a hope that you can hold on to.
There is a lifeline come to the rescue,
just like a hand that’s waiting for you.
And if you believe in this I promise that you won’t be alone.
There is a way, the truth and the life, and the way.

But if love became a man, if the word had flesh and bone.
Would you recognize His face, if He came to bring you home.
You think you’re all alone, gotta do it on your own riding solo.
Is there someone you can call, when you stumble and fall?
Cause you don’t know, if you’ll be getting up again.

-Newworldson-

So much can change

I have a bit of insomnia tonight, so I somehow ended up skimming through old posts I wrote here.
A lot of them are great insight into my spiritual journey with God over the past 2 years, and I’m glad I posted it.

The Lord has this incredible way of guiding our lives, he takes us through things that teach us in ways we can’t learn from words. It has to happen to us to understand the lesson.

If you had asked me 2 years ago if I would want to find a place to completely fit in, and feel like I had my life completely figured out, and then have it all swiped out from under my feet in a matter of days, I would have said no.

But if you ask me today, if I would like to go back to the life I had that was ‘figured out’, I would say no way.

God sees what is best for us, but we have tunnel vision. We only see what is directly in front of us, if it looks good, it must be good, so let me have it and keep it this way! But that isn’t how it works, God has the absolute best for us, we need to allow him to guide us through changes to get us to the place he wants us.

I am at a point in my life of contentment. It is something I really don’t feel I have ever had. It’s an amazing feeling really, not wanting anything more than what I have. Just happy resting in what God has given me, knowing that what I have now is the best God has for me, if I had more or less in my life, it would not be of God, and therefore not good.

For example, I have always struggled with a feeling of lonliness being single. I don’t feel that way now. How? I have come to realize through prayer and devotions that if God wanted me with someone, I would be with someone. The Lord provides my every need, so clearly at this point the Lord does not feel I need a partner. So I am at peace with that. Being single is a time to focus on God, I am learning to take advantage of this time to better serve the Lord, to put Jesus first and to let him be my husband until he allows the right man to step up and take that role.

I’ve learned to fully TRUST the Lord.

Through losing my position at my old church, and seeing what God had in store behind the turmoil, I saw first hand that God knows best. Everyday I see more and more of Gods grace in my life because I am obidient to Him.

I feel the world has more color when you walk through life with God. The closer I walk to Jesus, the better my soul feels. Circumstances may be hard, but my heart stays full of Gods love.

So.. what I wish to say to anyone reading this, is to trust God.

If you are going through something you don;t understand, you find yourself questioning why God is doing things the way he is… his timing, his methods, etc. Just realize that he has you right where he wants you at this very moment. If you listen for him, and seek his will, he will give you the best life has to offer.

How can you do this? How can you really be content, and really trust? It’s easier said than done right?

Pray.

Ask God to help you understand. Ask God to give you peace an contentment. Spend time in prayer with God often to calm your heart. I found that anytime I started thinking about a situation I was struggling with, instead of thinking to myself how to fix it, or how awful it was, I found I could use those thoughts as a tirgger to prayer. So when I got in those down moments, I spent time with the Lord. It not only made me feel much better about my present condition, but it also grew my relationship with my heavenly father.

I have never felt contentment like this before. I am completely trusting in God to provide for my needs, and it’s a much better feeling than self pity I assure you. 🙂

I hope you are trusting God. Because He more than anyone is worthy of your trust, and he will deliver you.

—————

After I wrote this it occured to me there is a really great song that fits perfectly with the message I am trying to convey. It is called ‘Trust You’ by Brandon Heath

“..It’s never easy changing direction, it’s so unnatural to loosen up my grip. Are you growing weary of all my good intentions? ‘Cause I know that you don’t work that way. I’m not gonna fight you anymore, not gonna try to lock the door. You took your life and gave me yours, there’s no reason why I shouldn’t trust you with mine..”

Even when the storm comes..

..I am ‘Washed By The Water’

So, there is this pretty awesome song by Needtobreathe called ‘Washed By The Water’. I love the sound, and it’s just a good song in general, but something about it is just captivating to me. The other night I went to my friend Jons birthday party. (happy 24th by the way) Which, is cool, except everyone there is from C3, my old church. To be honest I really haven’t seen any of them since I left. Not intentionally, I just haven’t been around. But there are a few bridges that we’re burned in the process of me leaving. That happens. BUT the burned bridges we’re probably going to be there and I was a little wigged out because I honestly didn’t know what to expect. So driving to this party I was anxious. And the whole day I had been. And I didn’t have my iPod, which stunk because lately, when I’m mad, sad, scared, whatever, I listen to Needtobreathe and it chills me out. And the Z never played it when I was listening.. I mean come on, they play 4 songs on a loop, and they decided to not play Needtobreathe this particular day. Well anyway, I’m driving to this party, and I get into the neighborhood and I say (out loud because I am just odd enough to say stuff like this aloud in my car) “man if I could just hear Washed By The Water’ right now, I’d feel a lot better. And I change the station and guess what song just started? Yeah, I was stoked. haha. It was just really nice timing, and considering they dont play that one as much as the new single, I’m gonna go ahead and give God that one. Because it was pretty awesome. 🙂 So after that I was like.. yeah this isn’t going to be bad at all. A song changed my entire attitude. And it actually wasn’t bad. I had a nice time seeing people I hadn’t seen since I left the church. It wasn’t like old times, it never will be, but it was fine. Certain people were incredibly… um.. different, but they just ignored me so it worked out fine. Anyway, here is the song, lyrics underneath it.

Daddy was a preacher, she was his wife
Just tryin’ to make the world a little better
You know, shine a light
People started talking
Just to hear their own voice
Those people tried to accuse my father
Said he made the wrong choice
Though it might be painful
You know that time will always tell
Those people have long since gone
My father never failed
Even when the rain falls
Even when the flood starts rising
Even when the storm comes
I am washed by the water
Even when the rain falls
Even when the flood starts rising
Even when the storm comes
I am washed by the water
Even when the earth crumbles under my feet
Even when the ones I love turn around and crucify me
I won’t ever ever let you down
I won’t fall I wont fall I wont fall as long as you’re around me
‘Cause even when the rain falls
Even when the flood starts rising
Even when the storm comes
I am washed by the water
Even when the rain falls
Even when the flood starts rising
Even when the storm comes
I am washed by the water
Even when the rain falls
Even when the flood starts rising
Even when the storm comes
I am washed by the water