Have Faith

A lot of you know I want to get a tattoo of the word “faith” on my left wrist. I intend to do that eventually, when the money is available, obviously, it isn’t right now. But, today a lot was on my mind and it reminded me of my original intention, why I want the tattoo in the first place. Yea, it will look cool when it’s done, but that isn’t the point. I would never get something permanantly etched on me if it wasn’t signifigant.

When I was in 9th grade I went through a period of being depressed a lot. It’s a hard thing to describe, most people had no idea I was struggling with it, and to this day my parents don’t know. I eventually sought out help from my mom, to see a counselor or whatever to make it stop but she wrote it off as me overreacting to “teen angst”. That was after 2 years of struggling on my own. Anyway, when I was in 9th grade I started cutting. It’s not something I just tell people, and this is the first time I’m putting that out there on a public basis. Before this only a few people knew. Freshman year when all this had started I had a really close friend, Nadeem, who held me accountable. He had the same struggle, and the only thing that ever kept me from it was knowing he was going to check on me, and if i had, I was letting him down. So, because he cared about me, and vice versa, we we’re both okay for a while. The next year he left town, and I started having issues with it again.

I can’t explain it to you in any other way than to say when you get in that habit, it’s an addiction, and I didn’t know any other way to handle it. Through high school I went through times when it was really frequent and got extremely hard to hide from people. And I had times where i didn’t cut at all, and I was fine. But it was peaks and valleys and the valleys always led to cutting. I remember the last time I ever got caught. I was riding the subway in New York with Allie, and she saw one. She grabbed my arm and just looked at me funny. I was used to this at that point so i just smiled at her. I remember she said “that’s not good” and never said anything else about it.

After that I haven’t cut since. Not that i remember anyway, it all blurs together.

It’s not to say I haven’t wanted to though, it’s not something that is easy to get away from. That’s why I want to move so badly. No one in the world knows how to make me feel lower than my father. he’s amazing at finding the right words to say to make me feel completely worthless. 90% of my issues with cutting started with something he said to me affecting me too much. I’ve gotten to the point where I ignore it, but it’s still hard. Today it was hard on me, which is what reminded me of the tattoo.

The reason I want faith on my left wrist, is so that anytime I ever get tempted again, I will see that word “faith”. The love that Christ has for me far outweighs anything that could make me want to do that. He wouldn’t want me to do it, and I just know it would be a good roadblock to keep me from it.

The only thing that’s kept me from it the past year is my faith in Christ. The faith that Jesus loves me. I don’t know why it’s been more effective this last yera than the rest of the time, but it has. 

I’m not saying a word on my wrist will cure cutting. It’s so difficult and I feel lucky I’ve been able to quit. But I’m also aware that I can easily fall back into it. Today was a huge wakeup call on that. I don’t want that.

The tattoo I plan to get will also stand for the fact that I know God is bigger than my problems in general, and anything I give to him, he will handle in his own way in his own time. I just have to have faith.

Anyway, I’m a little reluctant to post this because I’m not sure I want everyone to know about it. I kept this to myself as best as i possibly could for 5 years, so I’m obviously a little scared posting it. But at the same time, if anyone else was struggling with it, I’d want them to know that it doesn’t have to stay that way. You can beat it. It’s not easy. But you can.

By the way, To Write Love on Her Arms is an amazing organazation that deals with self-injury and suicide, there is a link on my blogroll.