I found my calling at 18..

Those of you who know me, wouldn’t probably call me shy. But, that’s exactly what I am, or was. I was a very awkward and nervous person all through high school. It wasn’t glaringly obvious but when I was around people I didn’t know I was incredibly quiet and I basically felt like I was going to die.

That changed for me after I got involved with my old church, C3. I joined a small community group bible study, and I was basically incredibly out of my comfort zone. I went anyway. Eventually I made some friends. Eventually, one of those friends, Nathan, asked me if I would be willing to help out in kids ministry. He taught 4th-5th and he needed an assitant. I was in college at the time heading toward being a teacher. So I thought working with the kids might be fun, though I never thought I would work with little ones, my idea was to teach high school.

I joined the kids ministry there, Powerhouse, and started helping with the 4th and 5th graders.. well Nathan left shortly after and the class became mine. I was intimidated but took to it really quickly and to my surprise, I loved doing it.

Next thing I know, I’m being asked to act in our sunday morning skits.. I’m thinking “whaaatt?? I am not outgoing enough for this..” but I went where I was needed. I fell in love with that too. My roommate ended up helping too and we would sit up at night in her room, developing our characters and memorizing scripts. We would laugh until our stomachs hurt going over our material. It worked great with the kids, the ministry was thriving. I did some ridiculous things, including crazy dances and having to shove a twinkie in my face (that morning I got stuck doing both services.. ha).

Somehow I became a totally different version of myself through working in childrens ministry.

So, when it was taken away from me, it was obviously not fun for me. All that mess is in old blogs, so no use writing about that now, ha.

God had a plan though as always, and I ended up at Aloma where David was gracious enough to get me teaching a 5th grade class really really fast. Like whiplash fast. I experienced VBS for the first time at my new church and I have seen us go through a lot of format changes. Most recently I got involved in our main service, again acting out silly things and now, helping with the set ups and some creative planning.

Add Wednesday nights and all that comes with that, and it becomes obvious my heart is in childrens ministry. So cool to see how God had this planned and I never saw it coming.

Childrens ministry is a fruitful mission field, and as a leader it’s a blessing to be involved. You can’t understand it unless you live it. Meeting these kids when they are so young and being a part of their live as they grow up. Having parents find me to tell me how much their son or daughter loves me is pretty much the greatest compliment I can receive. If I am making an impact in a childs life, I am using the gift God gave me effectively, and that’s all I want.

I like knowing that as these kids get older, and problems get more complicated than just “Timmy stole my juicebox”, they know they have someone they can come to for biblical guidance. A lot of my former kids are middle schoolers now and they still talk to me everytime I see them. I think it’s important for them to know when they leave 5th grade I’m not gone. I genuinely invest in their lives and that goes beyond sunday mornings for an hour. It means praying for them and taking time to show them you don’t forget who they are when they graduate to the next ministry.

I have been working in kids ministry since I was 18 (thats 5 years) which means my original batch of kids are now 15 and 16 year olds. I babysat, I worked in ministry at C3, I taught at an elementary school doing aftercare (I had about 35 5th graders, and we combined with 4th most of the time to around 50-60 kids per day) . And now I serve at Aloma, I think you’d be surprised how many of those students I remember by name, and could still tell you stories about. They are all important to God so they are to  me as well.

This is a card one of the boys I babysat made for me. He loved sharks, he would bring a shark book to the house and tell me facts about them (if the kids werent playing a game they invented called “monster”). I told him I loved sharks, my favorite is the black tipped reef. About 2 weeks later at church he brought this to me. I still have it.

If I could do childrens ministry as my full time job, quit doing accounting and spend my days pouring my heart into ministry.. I would be the happiest person in the world. I don’t care about the money, I care about doing what God has called me and equipped me to do, every day.

So, I am trying to do that now.

If it’s what I want to do, then I need to find a way to make it happen. I am proud of my friend Adam who is now working for First Baptist Orlando, it’s inspiring me to go pursue the passion God put in me.

So I am  declaring this to everyone on my blog to keep me accountable to actually go do it:

I am going to finish my AA, I never completed my coursework, I stopped it to work full time and afford cost of living.

I am looking into getting it through Liberty, or Seminole State, and then getting a Bachelors of Science in Religion with my degree in Youth Ministry.

Affording it is going to be hard, and finding time to take classes and work a full time job that is 45 minutes from my house is going to be difficult.

But.

I feel it’s worth it. I’ve felt like God has been calling me to finish school for a while and I am going to start listening. Please join me in prayer as I try to navigate enrolling, and finding the time and funds to make this a reality in my life.

 

Thanks are in order, to people who got me to this point:

Nathan – You got me involved in the first place and you showed me how to be a fun, engaging, sometimes just plain silly, teacher.

Adam – You have been an awesome supporter and cheerleader from day one. Your success working with your youth has been really inspiring.

Don  J – Or should I say Dr. Angus Fetchenpepper? Your leadership was outstanding, and acting with you was the best. You totally made those skits funnier than anyone else ever could and you were just a blast to work with week after week.

David – You got me involved at Aloma and I never felt like you viewed me as some kid volunteer. I’ve always felt like I am really a part of your ministry and being at Aloma is what made me realize full time ministry is something I want to do in the future.

Chrissy – You we’re my roomie and my friend, and working late nights on skits with you (calling Adam to ask if that line was REALLY in the script!?) was what made ministry so much fun. Thanks for being an awesome ‘Rookie’ to my ‘Coach’ and doing the silly ‘Jump On It’ dance with me for the kiddos. ha.. (you are way funnier than London Tipton!)

Sean – You have been awesome to work with and I’m glad I am able to laugh and have fun in the ministry every week, even the Saturdays we have to set up all the sets. Stuff that should be tedious and boring is somehow super fun with you leading us.

I wouldn’t be who I am without this ministry, and I wouldn’t want to be in this ministry without the support of all of you, so thanks for helping me realize my calling from the Lord.

-Katelyn

 

What’s desperate about knowing what you want?

A week from right now, I will be at the wedding reception for one of, no, THE, greatest friend I’ve ever had. My dear friend will be married in a week to a very good man. It’s pretty awesome and all these weddings happening has got me thinking about romance and such gooey things. It has me thinking of how people percieve all of it, and what God says. Lots to take in with this.

I love God. That’s the simplest, truest thing in the world.

God has amazing plans for all of us, and if we allow Him to guide us, we will receive His blessings. I remember growing up, even before I got saved, always wishing I could have a boyfriend. Which was always looked at as pathetic. So you hide that ya know? It’s only okay to like romance if you’re in a relationship according to society.  If you admit to wanting it without having it, your ‘sad’.

I accepted this as truth growing up, and I felt like such a loser for being single. Well, not for being single, but for being single and wishing I wasn’t.

Thank God, I have grown up.. and high school cliques don’t really sway my thinking.

Okay, bear with me a minute as I use a TV show to illustrate a point.

I love the show ‘How I Met Your Mother’, it’s legen… wait for it.. DARY. In all seriousness, the best sitcom on TV, if you disagree you obviously havn’t seen it.

So there is an episode where a character, Barney is referring to Febuary 13th as Desperation Day because of all the girls trying to get dates for Valentines. He meets a woman who refuses to act like the other women who are pretending to be independent and not care, she admits she does want it. I really liked this line “What’s desperate about knowing what you want? Look, life is really short, Barney. Who wants to spend Valentine’s Day alone, distracting yourself from the fact that nobody loves you with some sad little activity?”.

Why is this condsidered desperate? I think knowing what you want is a good thing.

The first thing that God said was NOT good? Anyone.. anyone… Bueller…?

That Adam was alone, he needed a suitable helper, so God created Eve to be a helpmate. The first woman in the story of the world was created for the purpose of being a helpmate. I think it’s embedded in all women to want that, because it’s why we we’re created in the first place.

I think men fall in love with women because as God saw, it is not good for them to be alone.

It’s inescapable, it’s in who we are. Do all people have some driving force to get married? No. Some are more driven for other things. I for one, have always known I want to be a wife someday. That’s my ‘dream job’. Why should I hide that? Am I desperate because I acknowledge the heart God gave me? The desires He put there. I pray about who I may one day marry. I may or may not get that wish fufilled in my life. But, I won’t tiptoe around acting like I don’t want it.

Let’s get real people.

What is the driving force behind any TV shows success…. waiting for the guy and the girl to FINALLY get together.

Why do we have so many love songs?? (I just put together the playlist for this wedding, there are so freaking many!)

Why?

Because everyone loves love.

Why is it people only admit it once they are IN a relationship.. I just don’t get it anymore. Looking at it objectivly it is just silly. Most people want it, a small few are truly happy on their own. I know a few who really have no desire to get married. They are the minority. So why do we all pretend we don’t care? I say stop pretending.

Be romantic. Take risks. Wear your heart on your sleeve. So many of my friends are falling in love and getting married. Happiness and love looks so good on them

I think our society has made love less important and put casual hook ups in the spotlight. It isn’t how it should be.

So here’s my advice to guys:

Pursue. It isn’t our job to do that. I have been the one to move a relationship along and trust me, it does not work. I had a talk with a few ladies one night and we talked about how guys now are so lazy and scared about it, that no one ever gets anywhere. We are not going to wear a sign that says we want you to ask us out, you just have to try. Put yourself out there, the right girl will be worth the risk.

And for ladies:

Respect yourself. A guy worth your time is going to treat you like a lady, not a prostitute. I have seen far too many girls settle for dirtbags because they got tired of waiting for Mr. Right. trust me, I have met a lot of really sweet guys worth a good girls time. They are a bit rare nowadays but I promise, they exist. I got to date one for a while.

And for both guys and gals:

Be future minded. If you don’t think the person you are with will be your husband/wife, then get out. What’s the point? You are wasting precious time you could be spending with the right person. I’d rather be single and waiting than with the wrong person.

Be prayerful. I will never forget a bible study I had in high school, telling us to pray for our future husbands. Pray for them to be spiritual leaders, for God to be working in their lives, etc. Pray for them even if you have never met them. Prayer is powerful and I think it’s a pretty cool thing to do. Love them before you meet them. Your spouse is supposed to be your one and only forever, and that should mean even now. Woah, Mind bender. :-b

Don’t settle. I have seen true love in action, if you don’t have it, don’t get married. It’s a shame how high the divorce rate is. Breaks my heart, it shouldn’t be taken lightly. Know what you want and find the person that makes your heart all fuzzy. I know I want someone fun, and spirited. Someone that can actually make me laugh and not just the other way around. Someone passionate and sweet and a GENTLEMAN. I want a guy that I know will be a good father and a good husband. Mostly, I want a man who puts Jesus first, and lets Him shape him into the man he was meant to be, the rest should all fall into place nicely. I don’t have to settle for less, because hopefully, some guy out there would list all my weird traits as what he wants. Won’t that be a fun day. Until then, I’m good chillin out maxin relaxin all cool… wait.

I teach young kids now, and as they grow up in to teens I find myself dealing with more of this kind of advice. I find it funny that most adults need the same lessons I am teaching to middle schoolers.

I think true love is worth doing right, and celebrating.

I can’t wait to celebrate with these two in a week, this is what it looks like when you get it right.

Funny thought, this girl knew she wanted this guy, even when they had a break up. So tell me, what is so desperate about knowing what you want?..

Jesus took the wheel..

I was in a bad car accident Sunday night. I always say I want to take my life experiences and use them to glorify God no matter what. So here is what happened to me, and the lessons learned about my Savior and King.

I left Epcot around 7:30 on Sunday night in rainy weather. The roads were wet and it was just typical Florida gross. I’ve been driving on these roads since I was 16, so I don’t think twice about it.

As I approached Winter Park on I4, my car took off on its own path. I was hydroplaning. I did what I knew to do in this situation but it didn’t make any difference. My car veered left, towards the interior barrier wall. I had both feet off the petals, and my hands on the wheel but not steering in any direction. It was going to wreck and I didn’t want to make it worse by over correcting. I spun around facing the wrong way, I saw the wall coming and thought “this is happening”.

I slammed into the wall and at this point my car was spinning back toward the wall. I wasn’t very aware of my situation at this point. I know I smelled something burning. Wasn’t sure what it was. I heard the bangs, and I felt it stop. I realized it was over and hit my hazards. I wanted my phone to call for help and struggled to figure out where it was. I managed to grab the aux cable and find it. A man was running toward my car and he stopped at my window asking if I was okay. I said ‘yes’ and he told me to get out. I was trying. My door was pryed shut. He told me his wife had called 911 and help was on the way. I was in shock. I was incredibly disoriented. I called my mom. Told her “I was in a bad accident on I4, I totaled my car, my airbag deployed.” At that point I noticed the deflated bag in front of me and said my thought outloud. It occured to me this must have been where the burning smell was coming from. I was still trying to figure out how to get out of the car. The man suggested my window. But my car was off and I couldn’t roll it down. I managed to find my key again and tried to star the car, the engine made an ugly noise but the electric came on. I rolled it down and turned the car back off. Half way through trying to climb out the window I finally realized I could unlock my doors and climb through the back. Brilliant (shock is hilarious in retrospect). I got out and told my mom where I was.

The man that stopped to help and I realized standing in the middle of I4 in the rain was incredibly dangerous. We ran to his car. Oh by the way, I’m barefoot. I was at Disney and got soaked so I had taken my shoes off to drive home. He had me sit in his car while he talked to the dispatcher. I met his wife and 3 daughters. They were all wearing Christmas sweaters. It was like a scene out of a movie. His wife talked to me for a minute and all of a sudden I felt this stingy burn on my left chest. I stopped midsentence to give out a yelp of pain. Looked down and saw my bright red skin. The airbag had burned my chest. The shock was wearing off and I was feeling the pain now.

An OPD officer arrived and took a statement from the gentleman that stopped, and allowed him to leave. Then he looked at my car, and let me sit in his patrol car with his jacket while we waited for a wrecker. I was in a complete panic in his car. I just kept seeing cars flying past and thinking ‘someone else is going to lose control and hit us..’. I was not happy on that road. I felt like I was sitting in a death trap. Finally the tow came and we got out of there. He drove me to a gas station where we met up with my parents. We took my things out of my car, and dealt with the insurance company. The officer told me he wouldnt be giving me a ticket. Thank God. What a blessing. I was probably about 10mph over the speed limit when I spun.

I was able to go home and take pain meds and get some rest.

The fact that I walked away from my car is a miracle in itself. The way the wreck happened was so crazy that I know God was in complete control. It felt out of control but it wasn’t. The funny thing is I wasn’t scared when it happened. I was totally calm. It was out of my hands and I just let it be. I obviously didn’t want to hit that wall but when I saw it happening I just went with it. I didn’t scream or freak out. I don’t think I even tensed up much. Thankfully because I would be in much worse pain if I had.

My faith took over in a way I’d never experienced. And God proved his faithfulness in that moment.

I could have spun to the right, and gone to the grass, this would have flipped my car, resulting in worse injuries.

I could have hit another vehicle.

If you live in central Florida you understand that I4 is never empty. It’s usually crowded. Sunday night was no exception. It was crowded. Except for right around me when this happened. No one was in the left lane to hit. No one was right behind me. When I bounced back in to traffic no one was there. The road cleared while I spun. That is a miracle. The odds of spinning across I4 and hitting NO ONE are ridiculously low. But that’s what happened. If I had left Disney a minute earlier or a minute later, I could be dead.

I could have spun in front of a semi, or in front of a sports car going 90+, things common on this road. But I spun in front of nothing. I only hit a wall.

I could have spun futher up the road or further back, where the wall is different, or in an area where there is no wall, only grass, meaning I roll into oncoming lanes.

But I didn’t.

I spun into a wall.

Nothing else.

Then theres the man who stopped.

I was very disoriented from the impact and airbag, so when my car came to a stop, calling 911 wasn’t actually on my mind. I wanted to tell my mom where I was. But this man saw me spin, and immediately stopped and ran to me. His wife dialed emergency workers and he helped keep me focused on getting out and to a safer area. If he hadn’t stopped I would have been in a much worse situation. It would’ve taken me longer to call for help, and I wouldn’t have been able to get out of my car.

I also find it amazing my feet aren’t cut up. I4 is dirty, and I was barefoot running through the inside shoulder in ankle deep water. I couldn’t see a broken bottle if I was looking for it. And of course I wasn’t, I was running to the SUV ahead of me for cover. Looking back I’m amazed my barefeet hit nothing sharp on that ground to make matters worse.

God protected me, in a way only He could. I know that with all my heat. I am so blessed to be sitting here writing this. I have been so put together and okay through this because I have my trust in Him. I broke down tonight in choir. I hadn’t really let the reality of what happened to me sink in. How close I came to dying. If one variable had changed, I could be in the hospital, or worse. I started crying when I really remembered this accident. It really happened to me. It feels surreal thinking about it, but I really wrecked, and I really survived.

Here is my life lessons, there’s a few:

Trust God to get you through it. I had no control over my car. None. There was nothing I could do to save my car from hitting the wall. I didn’t try to take control of the situation because I saw it was useless. God got me through. He took over and though I am sore, and cut and not feeling great, I am alive. So you can trust him with your life, if it feels out of control it really isn’t. God knows what is oing on and He knows what you are going through. Let go and trust Him to lead you.

Wear a seat belt! I would not be here today if I wasn’t wearing my seatbelt. It cut my neck yes, but it saved my life, as did the airbag. The mark on my neck and the bruise and burn on my chest from the bag are my wounds of protection. Without those marks I would be a goner. So wear a seatbelt. There’s never a  good reason not to.

Be a hero. A lot of people saw me wreck. One stopped. He was an angel for me. His beautiful family stopped their evening to make sure I was okay. Step up when you are called upon. Not just if you see a car accident. If a friend or stranger has a need that you can fufill, do it! God gives us gifts and abilites and you have to use them. Don’t waste your life. This man just pulled over, made a phone call and stood with me in the rain. But he is a hero.

Value your loved ones. I could have just as easily died last night as walked away. The only reason I’m here is because God isn’t finished with me. I started crying today thinking about all the people in my life I would have never seen again if I was gone. I want to hug everyone of these people and just cherish them because I see how fragile our lives are. You never know what’s going to happen to you. Don’t take moments for granted. Don’t think “I’ll do it tomorrow.” because you may not get it. It’s cliche but guys it’s true. In a split second, your world can be flipped upside down. So live like every moment could be your last, or the last of anyone you meet.

Praise God. He alone is responsible for my life being spared. He alone kept me calm and safe. He deserves my praise for this. He deserves our praise every minute of everyday for letting you take that breath you just took. For giving us salvtion through Jesus. God is good, all the time, even when typing a blog is causing physical pain. God is good. He has a plan for this. I have NO clue what good God is going to bring out of this accident. BUT I do know that something good will be the fruit of this accident, God makes no mistakes.

Matthew 6:4

Romans 8:28

Jeremiah 29:11

Before she knew it she was spinning on a thin black sheet of glass… Jesus take the wheel, take it from my hands, cause I can’t do this on my own. I’m letting go, so give me one more chance to save me from this road I’m on. Jesus take the wheel.

The beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.

Wrote this on my lunch break today. So forgive if it’s a bit all over the place. I felt I needed to air all this out once and for all

The beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair..

I am at a point in my life where I have no control over what certain people are doing to hurt myself and others, without cause. It’s unfair. As humans we want everything to be fair and just. People that are bad to get punished and people that are good to receive blessings. This just isn’t how it works. The beauty of grace, is that it makes life not fair. This is a line from a Relient K song. I’ve always loved it. It’s a reminder that we all deserve God’s wrath. We all deserve hell. BUT. Grace, the love of the Father, through Jesus, I am saved from that wrath. It’s not fair, but this unfair situation benefits me.

I keep trying to remind myself that I am a sinner and the things I do are grievous to Gods heart, but he still loves me and he still forgives me. Trying to apply this principle towards others is incredibly difficult. It reminds me just how much God loves me, to forgive me when I fail time and time again. I’m trying to learn to forgive, but can I be honest.. right now, I am not there with a few people. There are a lot that I have forgiven that hurt me deeply. However, 4 people in particular right now are not at a place with me where I have the ability to truly forgive them. It just isn’t happening. It’s all too fresh, if I ‘forgave’ them now, it would be a lie, the feelings would still be there.

“When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win we know that pain reminds this heart that this is not our home.”

Thats from a song that I’ve heard on the radio many times and never really paid attention too, but recently that line caught my attention. The song is called Blessings, about how sometimes the thngs that hurt us turn out to be blessings. I have lived that truth and I know I’m in the middle of that now.

Let me tell you my story..

I had these 2 friends, one a guy, one a girl. The girl was my best friend, we did everything together. The guy, was very close to me, I called him my little brother. He fell for my other friend. She was not interested at all, she liked someone else. Over time, and with a lot of my convincing her, she finally, after months, broke down and went on a date with him. They have been together ever since. Anyone familiar with the situation knows that this guy came with baggage, but I believe in forgiveness and redemption and I refused to hold any of this against him. I stood up for him countless times against people telling my other friend, he was not good enough for her.

Some time passes, the girl calls me freaking out, thinking he is upset but she has no idea why, as 2 days earlier he was saying he loved her more than anything. I was confused as well, so I sent him text messages. He responded letting me know he was done with her. He had some nasty, untrue things to say, and I was dumbfounded. I told him it wasn’t fair to her since he gave no warning of being upset, and that by doing this he was proving everyone I fought against to be right. I also told him I would still love him and he would still be my ‘little brother’ no matter what happened.

They did not break up.

He now hates my guts.

This makes no sense. And this is unfair.

Because he hates me now (for the text message I sent, telling him I love him but this is going to hurt her and that’s not okay) I knew my friendship with the girl would also be messed up. It’s just how things work, she wouldn’t choose me over him, and eventually the choice would be forced upon her. I talked to her one day, told her I was worried about that happening. She assured me I was being ridiculous, he needed time to cool down, and she would never abandon me. I told her I’d love to believe it but I’ve lived it enough times to know she was probably wrong. I agreed we would still try to keep things as they were though. I gave her a hug, tears in my eyes and left. (On a side note I had written the guy a letter, gave to her to give to him, letting him know how much I cared about him and how hurt I was by his decision to abandon me without cause.)

As some more time passes, I don’t see her much anymore, so I try to text a bit to stay in touch. There were more times than I care to count where she blew me off. Making 10 minutes to talk to me and catch up was a major inconvenience for her. After weeks of this I was pretty tired of it. I let a little frustration show in a text that said “do you have amnesia because we kinda used to be close friends..?”

This apparently warranted her boyfriend sending me a very long text message cursing me out telling me how horrible a person I am. Trust me, I am not leaving out any outrageous horrible things that I did. This is truly all that happened. That text message was the most awful thing anyone had ever said to me.

I tried calling the girl, no answer, left voicemails, no answer. I wrote her a note letting her know this behavior was insane and uncalled for, I recounted every detail of what happened and showed that this reaction from them both was so hurtful, mean and undeserved. She never once had the nerve to answer me. Finally after a few weeks of letting myself cool down and regain control of how I felt, I waited for her by her car to talk and ask why. All I really wanted was to know why. There was no rational reason for any of this, so I had to ask.

She avoided me for about 45 minutes while I stood there, and then she came and just said she had to go. Really? Still can’t spare 5 minutes to grow a spine and face the horrible actions you and your boyfriend commited towards me? That was the final straw for me, I lost control of the emotions and I yelled at her. First time in my life I had ever done something like that. I pray it’s the last.

I don’t think I ever need to see either of them again. I saw the true character of them and I don’t associate with people like that.

What continues to astonish me is that God loves them anyway. We commit worse betrayal against God and yet he still loves us. That’s just crazy. It’s a strange way to look back at it, but I can’t look at it and think “wow how unfair for me”. It isn’t fair, but nothing about life is fair, and in the case of how God loves, I am so glad it isn’t!

The last 2 people, here’s their story:

Another couple, this one recently married. I’ve known them before they we’re even dating. The girl was my best friend a few years ago. One of the greatest friendships I’ve ever had. She is naïve though, and has no strength of her own. So when her then boyfriend left our church to join a cult, she followed even though she didn’t agree with it. Now they are married and so deep in this cult ‘church’ that it’s just depressing to watch. So many people pray for them and reason with them about leaving but they are so stubborn. Her husband attacks my faith and my church constantly. He argues with me, unprovoked for hours on end condemning me. She recently posted something slanderous about my church and others on her facebook, I answered this with rational reasoning, and asked questions to try to provoke some actual thinking. The reaction I got was “get out of our lives” and being blocked on facebook like a 13 year old. Cool.

She unblocked me recently to write me a message sharing her heart about the situation.

I answered from my heart, out of love, nothing condemning or mean. Answered every point and question she had. And I ended by letting her know that her actions of late have hurt a mutual friend of ours who did absolutely nothing to deserve it. (Who by the way is the most genuine, Christ-like person I know) She never even spoke out against the cult. I get mad when people attack me, but if you hurt my friends, there’s a line you should never cross because that’s when I get the most protective and upset.

I told her that abandoning our friend when her grandfather died, to instead dye her hair was not a Christ like decision. (her cult-church believes they are far more holy than anyone else). I told her that acting like our friends wedding doesn’t matter to her, after our friend bent over backwards for her wedding was just rude. I pointed out countless hurtful, selfish, mean things she had done since joining the ‘church’. I told her to consider how this ‘church’ is making her behave and to think if it’s truly making her a ‘better Christian’.

I’ve received no answer. That’s ok.

What is not okay, is how she has continued to attack my other friend who has done absolutely nothing but show love towards her. So I’m kind of at a point of realizing, people can claim to be Christians and still be hurtful, mean,  judgmental, selfish, and just plain dumb. (Ironic her church teaches if you have a pattern of these things in your life you must be unsaved.. and they only exhibit these qualities).

Again, I look at this situation and think “wow God, how do you love them through this hateful behavior?? How do you love me when I do dumb things?? You amaze me.”

Moral of the story, I am not God, so me forgiving these people who have hurt me, when all I’ve ever done for them is be a loyal loving friend, is not easy, and it will take time. The bible commands us to forgive, and so I will pray for God to grant that peace to my heart, but until it’s there.. I just remember that God can forgive far worse things in an instant.

Never forget that. God forgives. You don’t deserve it, but He will anyway.

To any of my friends that have read this: Know you have a loyal, loving friend here, and believe me when I say the only way to can lose my friendship is if you decide that’s what you want. I would never treat anyone else the way these people have treated me. It’s sad and pathetic that they did in the first place, and if I would brag about one quality I have it would be my loyalty. I love my friends. Thanks to the ones who have been loyal back over the years. You keep me going and keep me praising God for you.

Dance translates

I love dance. It’s a great example of how art translate through any language. It just was on my mind today, and I thought about those great moments, when you have the perfect blend of choreographer, dancers, story, music, and emotion to make a really great piece of work.

The great thing about television, is that seeing these performances is easy. Some amazing dance moments have happened on the show So You Think You Can Dance. Who would have thought a show that looked like American Idol for dancers would produce performances that I personally won’t ever forget. Some pieces were emotional, some were relevant to important issues like violence and abuse, some where romantic, and some were just down right FUN. But they all have one thing in common, and thats talent, and memorable performances. So I wanted to share my top 12 performances from SYTYCD. Enjoy.

#12 Cabaret Hoover
Wade Robson is just a cool choreographer.. case and point: this routine. Just a fun piece that has been etched in my brain for life.

#11 Tranji
Can you say “good fun”? This is it. Great moment where 2 great dancers got to do a hilarious hip hop piece together. Keep in mind, benji is a swing dancer and Travis is a contemporary GENIUS.

#10 Ramalama Bang Bang
Best group performance ever on the show (by popular opinion anyway). This video is from the 100th episode special, they brought back former dancers and the man himself, Wade Robson, danced with them. Zombies are always great dancers somehow..

#9 The Garden
Mark and Courtney just made this a cool piece. Mark is one of my favorite dancers on the planet (you may have seen him on Glee recently in the Brittany Britney episode) he is unique and quirky in his movements. Typically, I don’t like Sonya as a choreographer, but this suited him well, memorable piece.

#8 Fix You
Travis Wall has turned into a brilliant choreographer, this piece is one of his best. About trying to help his morhter through illness, very well danced by Allison and Robert (who dressed like Travis in the piece). My mom cannot watch this without crying.
Can’t embed this video, but you can watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xnguqsMQmg4&feature=related

#7 The Boardroom
Neil Haskell (my most favorite ever) and Sabra Johnson performed a Mandy Moore jazz routine that proved gymnasts can be great dancers.. and do some pretty spectacular things with a table. The sheer strength and control it takes to do some of those moves are just flat out impressive, add the clever choreography, and the great personalities dancing it, this is just an all around great dance.

#6 Time
The wonderful Neil Haskell, and the gorgeous Lacey Schwimmer dancing to a piece about finally seeing a loved one again after theyve passed on, emotinal story, well danced, beautiful moment.

#6 Collide
Lauren and Kent are two great dancers. If I could steal someones ability to dance (like in the Little Mermaid, ya know?) it would be Lauren Froderman. Or Lauren Gottlieb, but whatever. This piece is about young love, first love, love period. It’s really stunning if you open your heart to it. This is the kind of dance that can stir a memory, an emotion, a feeling out of you. I also included it because I realize, I have nothing of laurens on here, and she deserves to be on this because she is a stunning dancer. She just wasn’t given any really earth shattering pieces of work to perform. But if you appreciate dance, youtube her, watch some of her performances. Watch Collide here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W-2yaqxcVzM

#5 If It Kills Me
Mix Jason Glover, my favorite Jason Mraz song, and Travis Wall choreography, what do you get? Perfection. Oh, jeanine is pretty stellar too, she won. Very cool piece, Travis has turned into a real artist and story teller with his dances. Great piece.

#4 Out of Your Mind
Alex Wong, who is an impecable ballet dancer, took on hip hop with All-Star Twitch, who is a great hip-hop dancer. This dance is one of the greatest things I have ever seen. It came out of no where. Alex is a technically trained ballet dancer, that is as far from hip hop as you can get. Everyone essentially expected a trainwreck out of this dance. What was produced was one of the best hip hop performances i have ever seen. With humor and really great movement. Exactly why Nappytabs are the best in the biz. I still flip out watching this. What makes it more interesting is, shortly after this performance, Alex had to have surgery and couldn’t compete. sad given his talent. Embedding is not allowed on this video, but click the link, you will not be sorry.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-V0aNyY_ei0&feature=related

#3 Fallin’
Adechike danced this, choregraphed by Tabitha and Napoleon. I’ll never forget the commited performance he gave, theres a difference between acting a part, and immersing yourself in a story. Adechike did the latter, the tears at the end of this piece were real, and if you saw the episode, you know how long it took him to come down from that. Raw, powerful, awesome.

#2 Bleeding Love
Again, Mark. Chelsea Hightower, who some of you may know from DWTS did an emotional dance that got them nominated for an Emmy in 2009.

#1 Addiction
Kayla and Kupono danced to this, choreographed by Mia Michaels, simply put, it’s about struggling with an addiciton. But you really didn’t need someone to tell you that for it to resonate. This is my #1 because it is the PERFECT blend of emotion, strength, performance, technique, music, art, story, etc. It just is everything dance is supposed to be. If anyone ever tops this, I’ll be shocked, but a happy camper, because I’m always ready to be wowed.

I wish I could make this a longer list, but 12 seems to be a good cap, but I will mention the Two Princes dance, done by Neil and Danny on the last performance of season 3. Probably the coolest, fight to the death kind of dance I have ever seen. And can I just say Neil sold that piece? Watch the video, he was in character all the way down to his fingertips. I’ll also mention Lauren and Pashas argentine tango, that girl turned into a ballroom diva FAST. Billy and Ade had a great dance with Mad World as well. Also worth noting is Lacey and Kamerons very first dance together, aptly titled “Dancing”. That was a pretty great piece to start a season with. Jason and Caitlin had an incredible Baliwood dance. I was also a fan of Jason and Kaylas zombie hip hop. I could go on for days with this, point is, anyone that has ever graced that stage is a gifted dancer, and we are lucky we have been able to watch them all dance and grow in front of us.

[Note: I'm sure someone will ask about certain pieces that aren't on my list. It's my list, so my choices. Most noticably left out was the dance about cancer that Ade and Melissa performed. Honestly, it was a great topic, but for whatever reason that piece didn't resonate with me. For anyone interested in a great dance showing the struggle of cancer, youtube Ade and Melissa. It will come up.]

Something worth waiting for.

****Since originally posting this, we are no longer together. We are still friends. I am blessed to have had this relationship and reading this reminds me of how lucky I really was. Who knows what the future holds? But this relationship proved to me that true gentlemen exist, and I learned a lot. Derek will always be a blessing in my life.****

 

I’m insanely happy these days.

God made me wait 21 years alone, but it was worth all the stress and lonely days to have what I have now.

I’m fully convinced I have the best man in the world by my side every day. I wouldn’t have it any other way with any one else. I’m very grateful.

The cool thing is that it’s just such a God thing that I have him. I wondered so lnog why I couldn’t find the right guy, but now knowing what I know, I see the bigger picture of why I had to wait. Let’s hit the obvious: He’s much older. It’s funny, I laugh about it, but come on, when I was 16 and whining about being alone, he was 22. Not exactly a possibility at that point. We both have gone through experiences in our lives that brought us to different places, and made us who we are now, to be right for each other.

I was at another church for a long time, that I LOVED with all my heart. And through some unfortunate circumstances, I ended up leaving.

Then I was on a hunt for somewhere new.. the last place on earth that I would have chosen to make my new church home… became my new church home. The reasons for it are in itself twisted and very much a God thing.

But going to that church, I got pulled into the music ministry (thanks Joshua) and made that my little niche. Made friends and just felt right. I do childrens minsitry as well, but thats irrelevant to how I got my man.. ha.

Through choir I met my friend Jessica, and my friend Jonathan. We and some others would go to Magic games together a lot and just chill watching at home sometimes.

Well, Jonathans older brother came back and joined choir, and wasn’t single. Well.. for a bit anyway. A few days after he became single again is when I actually got to know him, and it was actually through the fact that his brother was my friend, and he had known Jessica for about 10 years, that we got to hang out together.

I basically thought he was the greatest thing since sliced bread, and after a while, he took a liking to me.

So fast forward to now.. we’re together and I couldn’t be happier about it. I waited for freaking ever for him, and it was worth it. He had to wait 6 years longer than I did.. but whatever I’m more impatient! He’s a true gentleman, a knight in shining armor for sure, and I am so lucky to call him mine. Derek is the best thing that’s happened to me and I am glad the wait for my prince is finally overrrr.

Prayers have been answered, in Gods timing. I’ve learned through this.. Gods plan is always better than what I can plan for myself, because I never saw this coming!

Faith, trial, perseverance, and Brian Vickers.. in ink.

This tattoo on my foot sparks a lot of questions. Typically the answer I give is “It’s a really long story, you’ll just have to get to know me to find out.”. Well now you can skip the getting to know me part and just read the rest of this.

First of all, that angle, isn’t it’s intended view, I did it intentionally. Most people don’t see that it says “BV”, they see a heart and… something else. I get a lot of opinions on what that part could be. So let’s flip it.. here’s the right angle.

Why “BV”? Why is the V drawn like that? Why why why.. more questions (you see why I avoid trying to explain to people).

BV is short for Brian Vickers, why the V like that? It’s how Brian sloppily signs his name (no offense intended). His signature typically looks like half of a B and a hooky V. Like so…

So theres where the design came from. But the meaning behind it all? That’s deeper.

I’ll try to explain..

Middle school sucked. yes, this is relevant to my story. Middle school is a stinky time for most human beings, and I was no exception. But I found a drug of sorts to get me through the long weeks: NASCAR. Somehow, through a friend, I got addicted to this sport that I once found stupid. I lived and breathed it, it was what kept me going. looking forward to race weekends. Then a grew up (a little).  I got to high school, my favorite driver changed to this new guy, Brian Vickers. I liked his style, his attitude, and his driving. When Ricky Hendrick died, I saw something different in him. Strength through real adversity. He had lost a friend before in Adam Petty, and now again. Tragedy. Real tragedy. The sport became different.

Fast forward a bit.. now let’s look at his career. This guy kicks serious butt at a lot of tracks, he can run with the best of them and beat them. However, the dude’s luck sucks. I can’t count how many races in Charlotte he shoudl have won, get taken away by incredibly stupid things. Charlotte is the most annoying example, but it happens a lot at plenty of tracks.

How is this relevat to my life? In reality it really isn’t. But in the same way new orleans wanted a Super Bowl to recover from a hurricane, seeing Brian succeed was like hope that I can succeed.

You see.. I have terrible luck. I get incredibly close to good things happening to me, and ridiculous things happen to take them away quite suddenly. Examples? Sorry random blog readers, you don’t know me well enough quite yet to hear that fun stuff! But trust me, there’s lots. I still remember Brians first year with Red Bull… the Daytona 500 week. During the duels.. watching his tire burst and his Datona 500 hopes blow up with it.. dang. Felt like my hope had hit the wall too. And sure enough… yeaaah no good for me either.

It has become almost a joke for me.. when brian races well, things seem to go really well for me too. If he doesn’t, well it doesn’t for me.

Right now, some really stinky stuff going on in my life. Struggling through it, but it seems to be getting worse and worse.

If you want to look at the past few race results go ahead and look them up, but they parallel my life quite nicely so you should be able to guess

Anyway, here’s the ultimate point of all this.

Seeing Brian win races is always a good confidence booster for me, as strange as it sounds. My faith is compltely in Christ, and I know God is in control, but it’s just this funny thing. When Brian wins, it reminds me that I can ‘win’ in life too. Against all odds. watching brian come close and fail.. frustrating, because I feel that pain. So I got this tattoo after he won a race, as a celebration, and as a reminder. He won, I can too.

For clarification, I in no way believe his performance has anything to do with my life, it’s just an ironic coincidence that has become a running joke of sorts for me and my family.

Brian seems like a cool guy, it’s part of why I can call him my favorite driver. He handles tough times well, moves forward and improves himself. It’s something anyone can learn from watching. Sports stars in any arena can have an impact on people. Sports and life teach similar lessons in different ways. Thats what this is about, a metaphor for my own perseverance and faith in myself. I’ve always said God teaches me things in really strange ways, this is just one of those ways. I’m thankful for the sport in my life.

Am I that diehard fan i was in 7th grade? No. But I still love racing. This tattoo isn’t about Brian, or NASCAR, or any of that. It’s about going through tough times, and finding a way to keep moving.

But seriously, Brian, could you win again already?!

Let’s Be Honest..

I think it’s a simple concept, being single, for most people, is difficult. There is the struggle of feeling alone. Wondering if there is something about you that is unattractive. Wondering if there is anyone out there for you. Not knowing if marriage is part of Gods plan for your life. Feeling like you don’t fit in with your coupled up friends, especially if you are in that stage of life where your friends all seem to be getting married.
There are a ton of things that run through the mind of a single person. No, we don’t sit and think about it 24/7, but it’s definitely something we pay attention to. Maybe too much.
Lately I’ve had a few friends talking to me about it in different areas. In discernment, trying to find the right person. That’s tough, how do you know you’ve found the one? In lonliness, wishing they had companionship of any kind, whether it be forever or not. In lack of experience, waiting for that first kiss.
I’ve been pouring out bible verses, and sending out texts of encouragement to my friends.
I’m not breaking new ground here, Jer 29:11 Rom 8:28 Psalm 32:8 Psalm 27:14 all verses speaking on waiting on God, and knowing He has a perfect plan for you.
If you really trust God, you have to stop fretting over this. He flat out says that everything that is happening, where you are in life now, your circumstances, and that includes your lack of a relationship, are for a reason. If Gods best for you was to be with someone now, then you would be with them now. If you aren’t, then know it is not what is best for you, or for the kingdom.
Personally, I want the relationship I end up in, to glorify God. Now, I don’t have a clue how to do that other than to keep his commandments within that relationship. However, God knows exactly what he wants to do with me, and my (possible) future husband. So I won’t worry about being alone now. That’s how God wants it, so it must be right.

Now here is the let’s be honest part.

Sometimes, no matter how many times we hear those verses, and even knowing they are true.. it is just HARD to listen to it. Sometimes we just hurt, we get lonely, we long for companionship. It’s natural. All I really want to get across with this is that, we are all human, and we are going to falter. We won’t always be strong in this area. Currently, I feel fine, I feel like I am right where God wants me and I feel so blessed by the friendships I have, and the hope of a future with a great man someday. But that isn’t always the case.
Sometimes I want to complain, sometimes I want to cry, sometimes I want to be bitter. I’m a fallen human being.

If you are single. Find a single friend, that is strong in thier walk, and know that you can turn to them when you feel this way. I love being there for my friends, and I love having people that are there for me.

Sometimes, praying, and talking with others in your situation is all you can do until the hurt passes.

The Lord will take care of you, He has not forgotten about you. Just wait.
——————————————-

You say love is just a word, just four letters in a row.
Just a thing that people say, or they never tell you so.
And you use every excuse, to let nobody in.
Now this cloud you bring around, has become your only friend.

And everybody saying that it’s going to go away, but it don’t go.
And everybody’s telling you one day it’s going to change,
but you don’t know, if it’s really going to end.
But there is a way, there is a spark,
there is a hope that you can hold on to.
There is a lifeline come to the rescue,
just like a hand that’s waiting for you.
And if you believe in this I promise that you won’t be alone.
There is a way, the truth and the life, and the way.

But if love became a man, if the word had flesh and bone.
Would you recognize His face, if He came to bring you home.
You think you’re all alone, gotta do it on your own riding solo.
Is there someone you can call, when you stumble and fall?
Cause you don’t know, if you’ll be getting up again.

-Newworldson-

So much can change

I have a bit of insomnia tonight, so I somehow ended up skimming through old posts I wrote here.
A lot of them are great insight into my spiritual journey with God over the past 2 years, and I’m glad I posted it.

The Lord has this incredible way of guiding our lives, he takes us through things that teach us in ways we can’t learn from words. It has to happen to us to understand the lesson.

If you had asked me 2 years ago if I would want to find a place to completely fit in, and feel like I had my life completely figured out, and then have it all swiped out from under my feet in a matter of days, I would have said no.

But if you ask me today, if I would like to go back to the life I had that was ‘figured out’, I would say no way.

God sees what is best for us, but we have tunnel vision. We only see what is directly in front of us, if it looks good, it must be good, so let me have it and keep it this way! But that isn’t how it works, God has the absolute best for us, we need to allow him to guide us through changes to get us to the place he wants us.

I am at a point in my life of contentment. It is something I really don’t feel I have ever had. It’s an amazing feeling really, not wanting anything more than what I have. Just happy resting in what God has given me, knowing that what I have now is the best God has for me, if I had more or less in my life, it would not be of God, and therefore not good.

For example, I have always struggled with a feeling of lonliness being single. I don’t feel that way now. How? I have come to realize through prayer and devotions that if God wanted me with someone, I would be with someone. The Lord provides my every need, so clearly at this point the Lord does not feel I need a partner. So I am at peace with that. Being single is a time to focus on God, I am learning to take advantage of this time to better serve the Lord, to put Jesus first and to let him be my husband until he allows the right man to step up and take that role.

I’ve learned to fully TRUST the Lord.

Through losing my position at my old church, and seeing what God had in store behind the turmoil, I saw first hand that God knows best. Everyday I see more and more of Gods grace in my life because I am obidient to Him.

I feel the world has more color when you walk through life with God. The closer I walk to Jesus, the better my soul feels. Circumstances may be hard, but my heart stays full of Gods love.

So.. what I wish to say to anyone reading this, is to trust God.

If you are going through something you don;t understand, you find yourself questioning why God is doing things the way he is… his timing, his methods, etc. Just realize that he has you right where he wants you at this very moment. If you listen for him, and seek his will, he will give you the best life has to offer.

How can you do this? How can you really be content, and really trust? It’s easier said than done right?

Pray.

Ask God to help you understand. Ask God to give you peace an contentment. Spend time in prayer with God often to calm your heart. I found that anytime I started thinking about a situation I was struggling with, instead of thinking to myself how to fix it, or how awful it was, I found I could use those thoughts as a tirgger to prayer. So when I got in those down moments, I spent time with the Lord. It not only made me feel much better about my present condition, but it also grew my relationship with my heavenly father.

I have never felt contentment like this before. I am completely trusting in God to provide for my needs, and it’s a much better feeling than self pity I assure you.

I hope you are trusting God. Because He more than anyone is worthy of your trust, and he will deliver you.

—————

After I wrote this it occured to me there is a really great song that fits perfectly with the message I am trying to convey. It is called ‘Trust You’ by Brandon Heath

“..It’s never easy changing direction, it’s so unnatural to loosen up my grip. Are you growing weary of all my good intentions? ‘Cause I know that you don’t work that way. I’m not gonna fight you anymore, not gonna try to lock the door. You took your life and gave me yours, there’s no reason why I shouldn’t trust you with mine..”

Some musical thoughts..

I have been lucky enough to go to a few shows lately.. it’s been a while since I’ve had time. And I’ve been buying a lot of albums. There have been a few that have shined, and caught my attention so I just want to highlight them here for a bit.

First of all, Needtobreathe has a new album out called ‘The Outsiders’. The single they had off of it is ‘Lay Em Down’. That song alone was enough to make me want to buy it, but hearing bits of the rest I knew I had to get it. Bought it the day it released, and I am so glad I did. Everyone owes it to themselves to go out and grab a copy, they have a style that is near impossible to catagorize. They are what I want to call “South Carolina Rockabilly” It’s just so unique and refreshing. Bears vocals are so awesome, and thier use of piano and banjo just make this album a total diamond in the rough.

I was blessed to see thier set at Night Of Joy this year, seeing them live easily just put them at the top of my list of favorite artists. Go check them out, promise, you won’t be dissapointed.

Also, Leeland has a new one out. Honestly, I think this album has some amazing lyrics, as usual. I think the writing on this album is probably a little better than thier last, but their last album was catchier. This is more melodic, which is great, but it’s harder to get into. A few highlights off the album for me are ‘Love Is On The Move’ which is the title track, ‘The Door’ which is upbeat and easy to like, and ‘Follow You’ which is the current single, featuring Brandon Heath.

I saw them at Night of Joy as well, and I gotta say I’m always impressed when someones voice matches thier studio album sound, Leeland’s does. Brandon Heath came out for ‘Follow You’ and was also impressive.. so that brings me to…

Brandon Heath, I bought both of his albums a little while ago, and have been listening to them a lot. I have gained a lot of respect for him, his singles are great, but his albums offer much much more material, with some pretty impressive lyrics, some hooky pieces, and some that are just beautifully done. ‘London’ is one of my favorites, simply for the feel of it.

He’ll be back here with Leeland and Francesca Battistelli next month, I’m looking forward to seeing a full set from him.

Then there’s Josh Wilson. I first heard this guy over a year ago when he came to my old church for a concert. Honestly.. I was working his merch table during his set so I didn’t pay a ton of attention.. I could tell he was good though. And he was a genuinely nice guy which doesn’t hurt. He gave me a copy of his first CD and I eventually listened to it.. very good stuff, bought his second album ‘Trying To Fit The Ocean In A Cup’ after that.. love that album.. But his newest release ‘Life Is Not A Snapshot’ is the most impressive to me. The Amazing Grace acoustic is pure brilliance.. I can listen to it on repeat for days. ‘Sing’ is a great worship song, ‘Listen’ is very upbeat and fun, and ‘How To Fall’ might be the cutest thing I’ve ever heard. I got to see him live again at NOJ, and he was absolutely spot on. Made me regret not paying much attention to his set back then. But he is very impressive and talented. Grab the new album, it’s 6 songs and cheap. Worth it.

Lastly, there is the dude, B.Reith, who to be honest with you, I initally thought was a dork, until I actually listened to his album. It’s pretty awesome he can rap, and I mean really rap, not dorky christian rap, but he really does good. And he can sing, his vocals are actually legit. He blends the two very well and his songs are funny, witty, and spiritual. All around, fun artist, check him out. I personally like ‘Old School’.